tick tock tick tock tick tock
goes the clock.
what are you going to do with the rest of your life?
where are you going next? what job will you have?
where do you want to live?
when will you meet your soulmate?
will it last?
will you date?
what job do you want?
where do you see yourself?
how do you travel?
i want to do that
i would kill to do what you’re doing
how can you afford to travel?
are you rich?
did you see this?
have you been there?
nag nag nag
pull pull pull
little pieces of me
they all want answers to the questions i have no answers to
i would like to know also.
where am i going? what am i doing? who will i meet?
but that is half the fun. and all of the adventure.
pull pull pull
tug tug tug
we want to live through you
to all of you
it is not too late
fuel your soul
it is not so hard
i dare you to try
it is not my job to fulfill your dreams.
It is yours to be happy.
Work on you. Leave me alone
If you want to know my story then listen.
ask open questions
don’t tell me what i should do or who i should be.
How do you love people without giving away tiny bits of your heart.
All the beautiful souls I’ve ever loved, I’m not sure they know it but they carry tiny bits of my heart. All around the world all around my country. I’m talking about those perfect moments with people where you realize it’s the best and it makes you sad because you know it won’t last. but you’re trying to enjoy it so hard while it’s there.
But they’re carrying around little pieces of my heart, and I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. There’s a little bit in Portland, San Fran, Florida, Madison, Bremen, Costa Rica, Charlotte, Australia, Sheboygan Falls and so many others I’ve lost track of precise locations for.
With your heart in so many places it’s only natural to feel a bit scattered at times. But again. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I can’t fix people. I can only love them and this is my gift to give. With such a strong heart I can share little bits and spread it around, and feel scattered and whole in precisely the same moment. This is my gift. Loving you. All of you. Unapologetically.
Love and Peace
I’m doing this 30 day writing course and I’m completely putzing through. not sitting down dedicated to it, and somedays I want to beat myself up and others I’m okay with it because I am writing more and that was the goal. To make a conscious effort to write more and get ideas.
In the beginning I couldn’t share, I couldn’t read other peoples work. Something was brewing. Deep inside my soul. It’s one of those things where when you’re avoiding it you know it’s what you really need. And now I read all these talented writers and I wonder why I was staying away. To see the happy, and the pain bleed on the paper in such beautiful fashion is incredible. Staring out the window as I take the train and get little peeks through windows into souls. It makes me love this place, this earth. and realize how far I’ve come from art, from expression. You take it for your 12+ years of schooling and then you head into University or “the real world” and it’s not always easy to find. Music, Poetry, Words. They get hidden, deemed less important, when really they are reasons to live. To share your soul to be able to breathe again, see clearly beyond the fog of work and daily duties. I realize this again and again yet still have trouble finding a way to inject them into my daily life. It’s the best kind of addiction and I never know when or where I’ll get my next fix.
It’d be lovely to find it within myself. The writing, the music, but it’s not enough. Never enough. I long for that connection of reading anothers words, sinking into them rolling, them over my tongue, and the bittersweet endings when they end. I have this insatiable hunger for words, for losing myself in the lull of another voice.
I’m in love with my senses. If someone were to ask me which sense would you lose if you had to lose one. I couldn’t choose. To never hear, see, taste, touch, smell. Melancholy seeps just contemplating it. *shivers*
But really. I wanted to say Thank you to all of your beautiful gorgeous people sharing your souls here. It’s no easy feat. I love you. It allows me to love each and every one of you.
Lately I’ve just been in such a mood. Maybe it’s working out again, maybe it’s being close to moving on, or still feeling stuck in this place. But i just feel like fighting all the time. I want to scream and yell and pick a fight and wrestle around I want to feel alive to push it to the edge to push my body to the edge that way where I’m either laughing or crying or desperate. Maybe that’s what I’m feeling. Desperation. Despair. I’m fighting each day, but for what? And I run on the treadmill but it occured to me when are you running and when are you chasing? and is one better than the other? If I’m Running to or from someone or something. If i’m chasing a dream or a shadow or my imaginary tail, going round and round again in circles. On the treadmill I am literally running in place. Going nowhere. but it fools my body. My body makes changes.
What about the things we trick ourselves into believing. If we truly believe them does that make them real? Or less real?
Listen to me, so full of questions again. I can’t help but think this is a good thing. Something opening back up. Curiosity for the world, for myself. Not that I ever really felt like I lost it, just sometimes you don’t ask as many questions. Listen to me try to justify my words. no judgement. just quite curious to feel the need to do that. When this is my space to write however, whatever I like. The judgement and reactionary potential does that. When you’re publishing it to the world, wondering if you’ll get feedback. Wanting it but at the same time not because that means someone else read it. you just sliced open yourself and someone sat down to play. to watch.
As I write this I’m staring at the ring on my left pointer finger. It’s a little heart. It was my friends. I used to wear two bands- one that said ‘peace comes from within’ and the other says ‘live’. My first weekend here in the house, was my birthday weekend and we went out to dinner and to watch my football team play and we decided to switch rings at the bar. Just felt right. Those two rings were handed down to me from a friend. I tried them on and she told me I could keep them. They’re sweet reminders. But I was starting to feel that they were looking for a new home. That’s how they work. You wear them as long as you need. until they find the next soul they’re meant for, and I couldn’t think of a more perfect one than my girl.
Love & Peace
You put your home in a person and you don’t even realize you’re doing it until it’s done. and you do know, it’s not really in them.
You know it’s wherever you are, but you’re mobile and they’re there. and for a while you were killing time until you were together but then it never happened and you just feel stupid for wanting it.
and you’re waiting patiently for it to pass. because it’s supposed to right?
it’s supposed to pass. to get better, to not hurt so damn much everyday.
the ache in your heart and your gut every time you see something for them. or even not. something you want to share with them.
Showing up for yourself can be one of the most difficult things we do. it’s especially daunting when it’s with people we love, that we’d hope have our best interests at heart. But other peoples ideas of what we could or should do often don’t align with where we see ourselves. and it’s in those moments that we need to stand up for ourselves. It’s tough. It feels confrontational and that’s difficult. I hate confrontation. Hate hate hate it. If you asked my friends they probably wouldn’t tell you that. Because I’m the girl that does it anyways. In my opinion I only do it when necessary though. because I despise the alternative. The sitting and waiting, the wondering- what if. I’d rather hash it out honestly and then try to see where we’re at and put the pieces together.
Right now I’m in a situation that I need to work on showing up for myself, and boy is it tough. Trying to figure out how to bring it up, have a sit down, worrying about what will happen if it were to go badly. To want to show up for yourself because your heart is gorgeous and your time is precious and worthwhile, and it doesn’t feel good when you’re being taken advantage of. And then trying to decide how much is livable if you can just tough it out until you leave. But what if speaking up now could make it better and you could save yourself grief for several weeks.
I’m the type though that once I get an idea in my head it’s usually just a matter of time until I act on it. Whether it’s having a sit down like this, or calling or texting some one I’m not sure i should.
I think we probably worry too much about “shoulds” and I’m trying to get away from it. but walking that line between responsibility and “should-not-worry-about-so-much” is a bit blurry at times. For instance, someone gives you use of their car, but you’re putting the gas in, how far are you allowed to go? Overnight? Is it necessary to ask first? Or maybe is this a better to ask forgiveness than permission scenario?
Here’s to showing up for ourselves by standing up for our gorgeous selves.
Love & Peace